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Youngman, Henny
Born: 1906-03-16
Died: 1998-02-24

US comedian.

Quotes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
- Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
- Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
- Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
- Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
- Henny Youngman

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
- Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
- Henny Youngman

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
- Henny Youngman

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
- Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
- Henny Youngman


Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!
- Henny Youngman

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
- Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
- Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
- Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
- Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
- Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
- Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
- Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
- Henny Youngman

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
- Henny Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
- Henny Youngman

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
- Henny Youngman

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
- Henny Youngman

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
- Henny Youngman

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
- Henny Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
- Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
- Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
- Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
- Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
- Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
- Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman




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