Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my
bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did
it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life?
You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks
later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your
love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm
140 miles away!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then
don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick
your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks
the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc,
how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How
does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way,
a little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The
doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy"
The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health
to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor:
"Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go
to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine
tore his leg off!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the
dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk
of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk
of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's
get up here before we get killed!"
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's
payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I
told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"
I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah,
but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket.
I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why
didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and
says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when
my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do
I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting
on another horse in the same race...
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally,
I let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient,
they're in two seperate buildings!
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.