US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight
in the dog.
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man
who cannot read them.
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those
Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any
kind of musical emergency.
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not
understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The difference between the right word and almost the right word is
the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether
they happened or not.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that
they escaped teething.
I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything
which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful
that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts
I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured
an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not
July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than
in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the
number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate,
the country has grown so.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart
so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on