US comedian & television host
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight
people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met
your New Year's resolution.
Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win,
but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half,
which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with
is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing
together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol.
John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long
vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first
proposed to her — at her bank.
John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain
foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush
fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told
me that I'm going to win.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for
John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every
issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may
go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought
Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.
John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one
in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one
in a trillion?
Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black
president since Clinton was considered the first black president.
A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize.
He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no
idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill
out brother, why you dissin' me like that?
John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked,
lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because
Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician.
John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with
elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable
to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what
he'd look like without Botox.
In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he
wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then
he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz
They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first
wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current
wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going
after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing
The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect the
president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11
in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory
of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's the Vietnam
John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy.
Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back?
See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country
club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's
like a mole for the working man.
It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to
the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry
now is an Al Gore endorsement.
According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So
you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing
him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John
Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes
down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who
tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole
when I see him.